Venting, Apology in Advance

I'm really frustrated right now. First, Jet won't stop nudging me for pets, so typing is difficult. Second, I'm gaining weight at break-neck speed. Third, I think I'm starting to realize that I'm going to have to work after I have the baby.

Sean and I have been pretty relaxed about money the last couple of years. We've been what a friend calls "DINKs." Double income- no kids. And we've loved it. Now, with baby on the way (only 3 1/2 to 4 months to go) we have been "trying" to cut down on spending. We have been saving my entire paycheck- pretending that I'm not working. But that's not really getting us that much further ahead, because we never were really that great at saving- and didn't have to be because honestly, if we needed a large chunk of money for a big bill or something we'd just have to not spend a lot for a month or two, and we'd have it. We've been spoiled.

The upcoming bills are looming over my head now. Taxes (we don't do escrow), car insurance, income taxes (Sean refuses to change his w-2 and so we'll owe- again), Christmas gifts, hospital bills from birthing baby, baby stuff that we'll need, clothes for my rapidly growing ass, and all the little things you need each month, like, say food. Sean would also like to send Jet to a professional dog trainer for a few months right after the baby's born, and would like to continue his duck lease and all his hunting habits and hobbies which have taken him out of town the last three weekends. My hobbies have been long gone. It's been about 6 months since I've had my hair done, and about 8 since I've had a pedicure (can't count since I've had a manicure). I'd love a massage- my back is starting to bother me. I'd love to go shopping. I think I'll end up shopping for all the weddings and baby showers that are coming in my future... and pray that the jeans I squeezed into yesterday will stretch as well as my belly and I'll be able to wear them for a few more months. Right.

These things are all do-able on one income... on paper. What's happening off-paper that is messing it all up? Either we're "not really serious about it" as Sean says, or "we really can't do it" as I say.

If we're not serious about it, then LET'S GET SERIOUS! (I feel like I've been pretty serious, by the way. Giving up professional grooming is NOT something I take lightly.) I need to know if this can be done! This is not hypothetical anymore... we've got mere months before it's really, really real and I need to find mental peace with whether I'm staying home or working. If I'm working- I've got to find a day care. If I'm staying home I need to prepare a lot more at work than if I'm returning.

Work is another story. I'm so exhausted now, I don't know how I'll be able to balance being a new mom and a teacher. I know women who do it, but I honestly wonder if they feel fulfilled at either one. I got home at six both Wednesday and Thursday nights, and last night I got home at seven. This is doing the "normal" teacher stuff. I'm not staying late to prepare for my long term sub or anything... the thought of which is freaking me out (I hate sub planning). I can't do that when I have a baby. I don't want to be doing it now. Contract hours are from 8:00-4:00. I am not OK with staying hours after school each day, I'm not OK with taking lots of work home (you should see the stack of papers I've got to grade today), and I'm not OK with having morning meetings at least three days out of the week. But things keep getting piled on me from somewhere up above and I keep trying to dig my way out without looking like a loser while I'm at it.

Maybe I'll come to an epiphany today while cleaning my house, doing laundry, paying bills, and grading papers- all of which I must consider my new hobbies because I don't seem to do anything else. Well, besides cooking dinner, running errands, and working. I can't wait to see how I'll balance baby into the mix.

I am in need of some (cheap) fun. And an attitude adjustment. Seriously.

A Baby Boy!

Here's a picture of the little angel! We had our ultrasound appointment on Monday. We were both so nervous! It was such a big moment to see the baby whose little bitty feet have been kicking my belly the last couple of weeks! Of course we wanted to know right away if it was a boy or girl, but he had other plans! He was pretty uncooperative (a sign for my future?) but finally gave us the money shot, and made Sean a very happy daddy!


At one point, Sean asked the sonographer if the baby had two arms, because he couldn't see the other one... just as she moved the wand over to get a better picture of his little arm, he raised it right up and waved at us! Already a daddy's boy!

The day was going pretty great, until we talked to the doctor. Our little guy has (the medical term is long and completely scary, so I'll describe this in a much less scary way) a special little heart. As the doctor described it, one part of his heart appears white on the ultrasound. After many, many questions the basics of what I learned is that this is not completely uncommon. 10% of normal babies' hearts visualize this way on ultrasound (1 out of 10 equates to lots and lots of babies when you think about it) and about 50% of babies who have other heath issues (down syndrome, heart problems...) have hearts that visualize this way. Seeing this is in no way an indicator of one of those other issues, it just happens to be more common among those babies. This doesn't mean any future heart or health problems, in fact, they won't even check on it again. It will always appear this way via ultrasound, but won't be an issue for him. Dr. Levin said that she hesitates to tell parents about this, but is obligated to disclose this information to us. She said our risks for anything serious are very low, and she doesn't see any reason to worry.

That is way, way easier said than done. Sean did a little research (I know myself well enough to know that I should never, ever research any health related issues online) and I talked to my little sister who is also a sonographer, and we both keep getting the same answers: there is no reason to worry. This doesn't really mean anything, actually. If they saw other possible problems in addition to his special little heart then they would have said something, and they would have been concerned. This heart anomaly alone isn't an indicator of anything. It just makes him a little special. Like all the left-handers out there.

Everything else looks good. He's the right size, and has all his parts (including one little boy part). And that special little heart was beating away at 140 beats per minute- perfect! We saw his little arms and legs moving, and his little toes! I can't even think how small they must be! Oooooh!

The last couple of days have taught me how much I love this baby. My heart just aches when I think about how much I want him to be healthy and happy. Who wants their child to enter the world with even more challenges than they would have faced being just a "normal" kid? I feel like I'm constantly saying a little prayer for him. I'm constantly replaying all the conversations I've had with the doctor, with my sister, with Sean. I shouldn't worry. I know it. I'm feeling better about it every day (which is why I haven't posted sooner). I am trying to let go, and trust in God. Everything will be OK.


(Deep breath.)

Big Changes!

Kristin had her baby! A beautiful little baby GIRL!!! Ahhhh!!!! Check out her blog to see adorable pictures of little Karter Lynn (just click on Kristin's name above). What a beautiful baby and a beautiful mommy!


Today was my first day back to school after two days out sick. It's so hard to miss work, I swear. Catching up is ridiculous. I was staring at a huge stack of papers when a kid comes up to me and says, wide-eyed, "Mrs. Hale! You've got a TON of papers to grade!" Thanks, kid.

To make this a really interesting week, I have staff development off-campus tomorrow and won't be at school... again! So today after school, as I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my room and gather together some work to take home, I also have to write another day of sub plans.

This is such a pain in the ass, for several reasons, all of which make no sense unless you're a teacher. So, let me explain in another way. Let's say you're throwing a huge party, but suddenly you're sick and can't do it. Instead of cancelling the party, you have to write down every stupid detail and have your husband do it. Your husband sort-of remembers that you mentioned a party once, but doesn't know when or where it is. He has no idea who is coming, and has no idea what you've already taken hours to plan. You have to write it all out, minute by minute. Draw a diagram of where the tables should be, what food to put out, what drinks to serve (forget the fact that hubby has no idea how to actually make any of the recipes you've planned). Make sure you write down some ideas for how to deal with difficult Aunt Betty, who acts out and makes all the other guests upset. He's also going to need to know where all the supplies are- and when to hand out the party favors.

It is overwhelming to have to sit down and write out every forseeable detail of your work day for someone who has never set foot in your classroom before. So... as I am fluttering around my room gathering everything the sub will need and typing up all the details my mind wanders over to Kristin and her new baby and it hits me... my life is about to change big time.

In February (that's only 5 months away!) I won't be thinking about what's happening in my classroom. It will feel like a world away. All those little details that seem so important now that I would spend over an hour typing up for someone else won't seem important at all. I'm going to be balancing feedings, and sleep, and diaper changes into my life at home with Sean and Jet and will absolutely not be worried about work.

Wow. I can't wait!

Oh, shit. I just remembered a counselor lesson that's scheduled for tomorrow... better email a teammate so they can add it to my plans in the morning! Never ending, I swear...

OMG

(I hate using OMG, but really OMf-ingG!)

Current time- 1:30 am
Time of attempted bedtime- 9:30 pm

I love sleep. I usually have NO problem falling asleep- waking up is another story. Not tonight. And truly, I haven't had good sleep since Wednesday night- I've been sick and having a hell of a time sleeping. Tonight I feel like I'm having a full on panic attack. My heart is racing and I can't catch my breath. Nothing can distract me from this feeling, and although I'm tired, I absolutely, without a doubt, CAN NOT fall asleep. My nose has been half stuffed since Thursday night. I HATE it. Why does this happen? Why does one nostril have to be stuffed, while the other is totally fine? If one can be fine, both should be fine. I also have a constant throat tickle which makes me feel like I need to cough, but don't really need to. So I'm just wondering constantly if I should cough or not. How stupid! If only I could breathe through my NOSE maybe this wouldn't be a problem.

I've tried the following things:
Using the restroom.
Glass of water (then more trips to the restroom)
Tums (maybe it was just an upset stomach)
Hot tea with honey (and another restroom trip)
Crackers
A familiar movie that usually puts me right to sleep
A change of clothes
A walk around the house
Prayer. Lots of it.
Waking up hubby to see if he can calm me down. (What a DUMB idea.)
Relaxation breathing exercises and self-talk.
A cold wash cloth on my head (a ridiculous last ditch attempt)

I give up. I f-ing give up. I feel like I just drank an entire pot of coffee- but we know that I surely didn't because hello- 19 weeks pregnant. No coffee for me. What might work nicely is a little shot of something, a beer, glass of wine... but no to those. I could also stand a huge pain killer with a sleep aid. Anything to knock me out. Advil PM used to do the trick nicely. A couple of Benedryl sound great. (I know that I can probably take some of those things and the baby would be fine. But I don't want to risk anything. After being sick and feeling guilty for the last 5 days I don't want to take anything. I just want to sleep.) I feel like pulling my hair out. And now, you're reading the most boring blog post of all time.

A couple of reasons why I think I am panicking about sleep right now:

1. My mom had one miscarriage- in between me and my sister Jenni. She was around 20 weeks and had bronchitis. She was coughing so much her water broke and she lost the baby boy. Imagine what crosses my mind every time I cough.

2. As I'm watching TV before bed Sean randomly shouts at me to "Get ready for bed! How are you going to get well if you don't go to bed RIGHT NOW!?!!" Wanna put a little pressure on me, honey? Thanks. After 30 minutes of laying in bed freaking out- I get up and go in the living room. He busts out of the bedroom and shouts at me again, "You need to be sleeping!!! What are you thinking?" I don't know, Sean. I usually feel really sleepy after being harrassed about not sleeping. Geez.

I guess it's time to stop bitching. Maybe I'll go clean out the closet. On a side note- the entire time I've been typing this the baby has been moving around like crazy!! It keeps happening whenever Sean isn't around to feel it. While I LOVE to feel him/her moving- I can't help but think this is just the beginning of the baby's defiant nature. I beg him/her to move when Sean is sitting next to me- and NOTHING. As soon as Sean leaves the house, or falls asleep, or whatever... baby moves. It's like he's saying, "F-you, Mommy! I do what I want!" (No doubt this IS Sean's child.)

I need to sleep. OMG.

Pregnant and... SICK?!?!

A cold is no fun no matter who you are... but I know I must feel worse than everyone else out there!

Someone make me some tea!!!
I need some soup!!!
Fluff my pillow!
Take my temperature!!
Bring me some tissues!!!
Where's my blanket?!?!
Feel sorry for me!!!

I am the world's biggest baby when I'm sick... and it's only worse now that I'm pregnant! And Sean is out hunting ducks! Who is going to wait on me hand and foot?? Me. Poo.


(Truth be told, it's not really that bad. I feel crummy, but it is just a cold. I'll survive. I just need to whine to someone. Everyone.)

A Sign?

I think it's funny how things happen sometimes that make you ask, "God? Is that you??"

Yesterday I went to dinner at Los Cucos with some of my favorite girls in the whole world, and of course, I got there late (because I live closest to the restaurant, that's why). And, of course, I had to pee as soon as I got there (because Baby enjoys rolling around on my bladder).

I was enjoying the conversation between two very young sisters as I sat in my stall, you know how funny kids are! When I was finished washing my hands, the littler of the two came out of her stall and attempted to wash her hands. She was so obviously not going to reach the faucet, and before I knew it I had her hoisted up on my knee to wash her hands. That water was "too hot," so I scooted very awkwardly with her on my hip over to the adjacent sink to try again. That water was much better. We got some soap, and after she was satisfied, a towel.

After I put her down she looked up at me proudly, and very confidently said, "I'm four. I'm big now." I couldn't help but smile.


At first, I just thought, "I am such a teacher! I just picked up someone else's child without even thinking twice!" (Mental note: if I'm ever in that situation again, I should at least ask before just picking up an unknown child. Even if it is obvious that mom sent them to the restroom on their own. Do people usually do that?)

But, later that night it hit me. Maybe it's not just the teacher in me... maybe it was my inner mommy coming out early. Maybe it was God showing me that I'm ready.

I know it was so simple, but it came so naturally. And she was just so proud of herself. So cute. I guess maybe a few stretch marks won't be so bad.

Ah, Pregnancy!

I am so emotional. I started crying at work yesterday. I don't do that, people! That is crazy! I cried on the way home too, then I cried on the way there this morning, and I've cried twice since I've been home tonight.

There is no good reason for all this crying (even though it sounds like I really hate my job or something- I don't! I love it!). Blame it on pregnancy + Sean off-shore again. Grrrr.

Oh, and I probably pee about 20 times a day. This is something I expected, however, I honestly thought I must have had a UTI the other day when I felt like I was going to wet myself all day long. No one should have to pee that bad, constantly, for an entire day. Had to be a UTI. But, no. Just pregnant.

I also feel HUGE (I know, I have a long way to go. Just give me a break, please.). This belly is really growing fast these days. I always thought I would like having a belly and would think it was cute. HA! That sounds hilarious to me now. Like feeling fat?!? Like finding new fat deposits and wait... are those stretch marks on my ass?!?!?!?! AHHH!!!!! I don't like this at all!!! I've turned into a pretty big brat actually... I'm freaked out every morning when my normal clothes don't fit... hellooooo, self, you're 4 1/2 months pregnant, maybe it's time to stop trying to wear your normal clothes!? I also haven't taken a single belly picture. The idea makes me want to puke a little (I get the same feeling when I take my HUGE prenatal vitamins). Maybe I'll change my mind soon and go to one of those posh little photographers and have nude pictures taken when I'm eight months along. Maybe hubby can stand behind me and hold my boobs... HAHAHAhAAHAHAHahahAHAHAH! That's awesome. That is so never going to happen. (To those who do- nothing against it- just saying that it might be me in a nude picture makes me laugh!)

I'm such a brat, really. Listen to me. Can't I be more like my sweet, graceful friends who are always so sweet and so excited about being pregnant? No. I know myself well enough to know that freaking out is just what I do.

Am I alone on this? It seems like every pregnant woman/mother I know has only glowing, precious things to say about the whole experience. Wasn't anyone else completely freaked out?!?

I am finding it hard to be excited about the baby when I'm crying every other minute and finding new reasons why I'll never wear a bathing suit again. Soooo vain. Maybe when I feel the little poop kicking I'll stop focusing on those things, and start remembering that there will be a baby in just a few months! A little BOY if the at-home gender predictor test is right (ultrasound is the 28th!)! I thought I felt a little kicking a couple of days ago, but I haven't felt anything like it since, so I'm thinking it was probably just gas (which I have plenty of lately).

I've been a pretty bad blogger lately too. I usually have sooo much to say, but lately I've felt a little quiet. I think I'm actually embarrassed that I feel so strange instead of feeling fertile and beautiful. Yeah, I'm embarrassed. Moms aren't supposed to feel like this, are they?

One happy thing to add... I ordered a crib yesterday! I can't wait for it to come in! Sean made me promise I'd wait and let him put it together. Remind me to tell you about the desk I tried building... damn IKEA.