OMG

(I hate using OMG, but really OMf-ingG!)

Current time- 1:30 am
Time of attempted bedtime- 9:30 pm

I love sleep. I usually have NO problem falling asleep- waking up is another story. Not tonight. And truly, I haven't had good sleep since Wednesday night- I've been sick and having a hell of a time sleeping. Tonight I feel like I'm having a full on panic attack. My heart is racing and I can't catch my breath. Nothing can distract me from this feeling, and although I'm tired, I absolutely, without a doubt, CAN NOT fall asleep. My nose has been half stuffed since Thursday night. I HATE it. Why does this happen? Why does one nostril have to be stuffed, while the other is totally fine? If one can be fine, both should be fine. I also have a constant throat tickle which makes me feel like I need to cough, but don't really need to. So I'm just wondering constantly if I should cough or not. How stupid! If only I could breathe through my NOSE maybe this wouldn't be a problem.

I've tried the following things:
Using the restroom.
Glass of water (then more trips to the restroom)
Tums (maybe it was just an upset stomach)
Hot tea with honey (and another restroom trip)
Crackers
A familiar movie that usually puts me right to sleep
A change of clothes
A walk around the house
Prayer. Lots of it.
Waking up hubby to see if he can calm me down. (What a DUMB idea.)
Relaxation breathing exercises and self-talk.
A cold wash cloth on my head (a ridiculous last ditch attempt)

I give up. I f-ing give up. I feel like I just drank an entire pot of coffee- but we know that I surely didn't because hello- 19 weeks pregnant. No coffee for me. What might work nicely is a little shot of something, a beer, glass of wine... but no to those. I could also stand a huge pain killer with a sleep aid. Anything to knock me out. Advil PM used to do the trick nicely. A couple of Benedryl sound great. (I know that I can probably take some of those things and the baby would be fine. But I don't want to risk anything. After being sick and feeling guilty for the last 5 days I don't want to take anything. I just want to sleep.) I feel like pulling my hair out. And now, you're reading the most boring blog post of all time.

A couple of reasons why I think I am panicking about sleep right now:

1. My mom had one miscarriage- in between me and my sister Jenni. She was around 20 weeks and had bronchitis. She was coughing so much her water broke and she lost the baby boy. Imagine what crosses my mind every time I cough.

2. As I'm watching TV before bed Sean randomly shouts at me to "Get ready for bed! How are you going to get well if you don't go to bed RIGHT NOW!?!!" Wanna put a little pressure on me, honey? Thanks. After 30 minutes of laying in bed freaking out- I get up and go in the living room. He busts out of the bedroom and shouts at me again, "You need to be sleeping!!! What are you thinking?" I don't know, Sean. I usually feel really sleepy after being harrassed about not sleeping. Geez.

I guess it's time to stop bitching. Maybe I'll go clean out the closet. On a side note- the entire time I've been typing this the baby has been moving around like crazy!! It keeps happening whenever Sean isn't around to feel it. While I LOVE to feel him/her moving- I can't help but think this is just the beginning of the baby's defiant nature. I beg him/her to move when Sean is sitting next to me- and NOTHING. As soon as Sean leaves the house, or falls asleep, or whatever... baby moves. It's like he's saying, "F-you, Mommy! I do what I want!" (No doubt this IS Sean's child.)

I need to sleep. OMG.