Guilt Trip to HEB

Today was a pretty busy day. Carson and I went grocery shopping and that always wears us out. There's nothing quite like pushing around a heavy cart and carrying a 20 pound baby who's "talking," kicking, and trying to grab everything he can reach.

So tonight, all I wanted to do was veg out on the couch and watch trash TV but I decided to tackle one of the items on my list of ways to be a good wife and mother... I would cook a healthy dinner. Sean wasn't feeling very good so he didn't have a lot of patience for Carson's evening fussies. At one point I found myself chopping veggies while pots were sizzling on the stove, making lunches for tomorrow at the same time as I was shoving banana flavored puffs into my child's mouth to keep him happy (he hasn't quite figured out how to do this for himself... that will be a glorious day). After Sean and I took turns eating and holding Carson, I started to clean the kitchen. When bedtime came, I took Carson from Sean, nursed him and put him to bed, then picked right back up with the laundry, sweeping the floor, picking up baby toys, and sorting the mail. I accomplished nearly everything I had on my list today, and yet I just can't ignore this nagging voice in the back of my head that's saying I didn't do enough.

I'm not so worried about all the housework I could have fit in during Carson's nap time if I hadn't desperately needed a nap myself after our grocery store trip. I feel really, really worried that I didn't show Carson enough love today. I was so busy... does he feel neglected? Does he feel loved? Is he happy? How do I know for sure? Maybe I'm doing a terrible job at helping him grow and learn. I mean, there are probably babies out there who are speaking fluent sign language at Carson's age, and according to many TV infomercials he should be able to read any day now. What if his evening fussies are a sign that he's depressed? Can babies be depressed? What if I am finding things to worry about when there's nothing to worry about? What if I should be worried about something and I don't know what it is... yet?

I felt a sudden urge to search the Internet for all the things a good mother should be doing with her 7 month old... but I'm way too scared of how inadequate that will make me feel. I already feel guilty enough!

Is this just what it means to be a mom? Constant guilt? Guilt for what you do, and guilt for what you don't? Does anyone ever feel like they're a good enough mom?

I hope and pray that Carson feels even a fraction of how much I love him... and I pray that it's enough.

New top item on my list of ways to be a good wife and mother: love my baby and love my husband as much as I can every day. You know what? I think that's the only thing on the list. Does this mean I can stop cooking dinner and doing laundry?

Lessons Learned

I recently had a friend ask me what I have learned over the last seven months as a new mother. (That's right- you totally inspired this post, Stephanie.) I have to admit, when I first read her email I had no idea what I had learned. It was like a huge brain fart. I thought, you know, I must have learned some huge life lessons the last few months... but what were they? So I've thought about this for a few days, and I think I'm finally ready to answer that email...


1. I don't know shit.

Nice language for a mother, I know. Hey, Carson doesn't read yet... he's still peeing his pants so I think I have a while before I need to clean up my potty-blog mouth. But seriously, I have pretty much lost all judgement for how others parent. (Almost all- you know there's some stuff that's just plain crossing all lines and I'm not talking about that stuff.) Your five year old still uses a paci? No problem. You want to potty train at 3 months old? Go for it. You wear your baby around in a sling all day to promote healthy parent-child attachment? Sounds great. Homeschooling all 23 of your kids? Awesome. Basically, Sean said it best when I overheard him telling a friend the other day... "Dude. JoDee and I have learned that it's easier than you think to become one of those parents that end up on the news. We're not going to be one of them, but we see how that shit happens." Being a parent is hard. There are no right or wrong answers and you're constantly trying to figure things out. I find myself going by my gut feeling a lot. That's pretty scary.


2. Nothing is more important than your child.

The other day I was stressing about this long list of things I needed to do, and Carson was sooo fussy. ("Is he teething?" asks EVERYONE, EVERYTIME he cries out, or puts anything in his mouth. Ummmm, I have no idea... do YOU see teeth in his mouth? No? OK, then your guess is as good as mine.) I was finding myself getting angry with my tiny seven month old son, which I knew was ridiculous, when I looked outside and saw a cardinal. Everytime I see a cardinal I think about my grandmother who was an amazing mother to five biological children and five foster children... and I knew I needed to drop everything and just be with Carson. What's more important than him? Nothing. I have definitely learned that you never, ever know what the day is going to be like, or how your baby is going to act in any sitation. You just have to roll with things and realize that the only thing that matters is that precious little baby and everything else can wait.


3. Mother Nature is a Bitch.

All of a sudden, every woman will catch a crazy, overwhelming, nagging at the back of her brain baby bug that just won't shut up. Everything is telling you to get pregnant. It seems like everyone in the world is pregnant except you. There are babies everywhere you go and they're all SO CUTE!!! All you can think about is being a mother and all the FUN you're missing out on. And then, all of a sudden, it happens. You're actually pregnant. Pregnancy is a roller coaster that I just don't have the energy to squeeze into this post... and then you find yourself in some pretty serious pain as you push this tiny baby into the world, and lo and behold you're a mother. Haleluiah! Let all of the FUN begin! Oh, right, then Mother Nature slaps you in the face. Baby blues, postpartum depression... call it what you will... it hit me hard. Thank God for mini-prozac. Seriously. I debated whether or not to be public with the fact that I depended on antidepressants to deal with my post-baby hysterics, and then I decided that it's just not something to be ashamed of. (Part of me is waiting for Tom Cruise to start bad-mouthing me.) I did what I had to do to be a good mother for Carson. I don't know what women used to do back in the day. What a horrible, horrible trick nature plays. I wonder what makes some women lose their minds after childbirth, and others stay perfectly sane. I also wonder if the same thing would happen if I have another baby. It's a little scary, but Carson definitly makes me want another baby. I'm sure I'll take that chance again one day.

I recently stopped taking my miracle pills... and I feel OK. I'm not Miss Susie Sunshine anymore, but I don't think I'm a raging bitch either. At least, I don't think I am. Maybe someone should ask my husband about that.


4. My Life is Amazing and I am a Lucky Woman

I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. We have grown even closer as we've learned to be parents together. I thought my marriage was strong before we had our son, but now we've become even closer. I am seriously so, so, so blessed to have Sean. And how lucky am I to have my sweet son? To be able to stay at home with him everyday? To have a beautiful home and loving supportive family and friends? So. VERY. Blessed. I can't thank God enough.


And now... I'm having another brain fart. I know I've learned more than this. I feel like a completely different person now, so surely I ought to be able to communicate more that I've learned than just these four things.... Oh well. Maybe another day. I'm going to bed.... OH! That's one more thing I've learned...

5. Sleep whenever and wherever you can.

Busy Boy

I could watch him play in his bouncer all day long.



Wish I knew what's going on in his adorable, little head.

Eating Ain't Easy

For Carson. Eating isn't easy for him. For me? Eating is really, really easy. Feeding Carson is another story. I thought feeding Carson solid food would be really fun and exciting but I was wrong. I pictured a little bird with his mouth wide open and ready for whatever I was offering... not so much.

At first, Carson had no idea what was going on. I'm pretty sure all babies are that way, but I really didn't realize how long it would take him to figure out that food was yummy and to open his mouth when I offered him the spoon. Seems easy, right? No. He's started to catch on though and it's been easier. He's finally figured out to open his mouth for the spoon. Unfortunately, he's also figured out that if he doesn't really like something he shouldn't open his mouth for it again. He should press his little lips shut and turn his head away and totally ignore me. That said, he never turns away at the boob. This is great for me seeing as it's totally easier than preparing food and fighting Carson to actually eat it. However, I realize that it's completely socially unacceptable to have him nursing past the ago of, I don't know, one, two max??? We have to keep trying with the solids. I can't be the lady on the news. Gross.

Lately I've been trying to be an awesome mother and make Carson's baby food. How is that going? Carson thinks I am a terrible cook. Mainly, he hates my green beans. I had to get pretty tricky...



I know, I'm mean. Don't worry he'll catch on eventually and my mean tricks won't work anymore.

What really cracks me up about feeding Carson is that no matter what I'm feeding him he makes a face like he hates it after his first bite. Even if it's absolutely delicious and he ends up eating all of it... bananas with strawberries or peaches for example... he still looks like I'm torturing him after that first bite...



He really does make me laugh. And cry. But mostly laugh.

Don't Worry- There are Carson Pictures in This Post!!

Woah, it's really been a long time since I've blogged! Lots has happened, obviously, but playing catch up is soooo boring so I'm not going to do it. Sorry.

I actually feel like doing a little rambling, so that's what I'm going to do. More accurately, I feel like doing a little bitching. (I know, I know, I have so much to be thankful for. But do you really want to read a post where I just goosh on and on about my wonderful, awesome life? I didn't think so.)


1. So, first of all, something I don't get- bachelor parties. Maybe it's unAmerican, or maybe I'm a huge, giant prude but I think bachelor parties are total bullshit. First off, groom, you're not really a bachelor. If you're getting married then you're in a pretty serious, committed relationship and you don't really need to go out to a strip club, get totally wasted and act like your fiance doesn't exist for a night. Secondly, all your friends aren't single either. In fact, your married friends are really not single, and I don't think it's cool that they go out to a strip club where they get to oogle at all of the women who haven't gotten fat after having their baby, nor are they tired from taking care of said baby and would be more than happy to put their boobs in your face so that you spend way too much of your money to have them wiggle in your lap instead of spending your money on a new fence for your backyard. Thirdly, if your bachelor party really is just playing golf or fishing with your friends for a couple of days... I take back everything I just said.


2. Can you tell me what one cake decorating class plus one family vacation equals? That's right. 10 extra pounds and pants that don't fit. What gives, people? My mom heard recently that you burn up to 600 calories a day breastfeeding... so that means I must have eaten approximately 10,000 calories a day to gain ten pounds in a matter of two weeks. Right? Or is it just easier to gain weight after your body gets all jacked up from having a baby? Yes, I'm sure that's it. It can't possibly be all the damn cake I've been eating.


3. I think that people who have exactly two children end up there this way... You have one baby and think, "Damn this is crazy! I'm done!" But, everyone keeps telling you that your kid is going to end up the weird only-child and you better give that kid a sibling. You hear this so much, that even though you know it's NOT true, you start to convince yourself of it. So, you have one more baby and then it's snip snip.


4. I think I want to go back to work. I know, slap me! I don't really really for real want to go back... I just miss all the adrenaline and excitement the start of a new school year brings. I miss seeing my girlfriends everyday and getting to bitch about our husbands during lunch. I tell you what, I had those girls rolling with some Sean stories. Gross is pretty entertaining... even adults laugh at stories about farting and boogers. Admit it! So, I won't be going back to work on Monday... but I will be coming up to visit a bunch. I hope it doesn't make anyone mad that I just keep popping in- actually, I don't care if it does. I'm going to do it anyway.


I promise I'm really not this cynical all the time... just one of those days, I guess. If you've actually read all this rambling, I guess you deserve to see a few Carson pictures. I mean, that's why you read this blog, right? (Wink.)




BTW- this is my FAVORITE. Just look at the fatness! I want to nibble his fat little arms and legs right up! Ooooooh those cheeks!!!! Fat! Fat! Fat!!






Look at those chins!!!! LOVE the chins!!!





My sister-in-law, Joanna, took these pictures for me when we were visiting family in Wisconsin. It was Carson's six-month birthday. Precsh.

One Old Dog Attempting Some New Tricks

Since I've stopped working, I decided it would be really fun to try some things that I always wanted to do, but never had time for. I don't really have an abundance of free time now, I think I just realize now how important it is to make time for yourself.  Do something just for you. Not mommy-you, or wife-you, just you-you.

First, I started ballet lessons. I always wanted to take lessons (what five-year-old girl doesn't?); two of my favorite movies are Center Stage and Billy Elliot!! So when I find out that my sister-in-law, Joanna, has taken lessons before and she'll take them again with me and my sisters Jenni and Jackie... well, we all signed up!

Jackie, Joanna, me, and Jenni... all looking like giant kids.

Getting a tip from Jackie. 

I quickly learn that Jackie is the last person I should be taking tips from.

All our feet in our spanking-new ballet shoes.

What I've learned about ballet so far is that it's HARD! I also realize that maybe my parents didn't put me in lessons long ago because they realized what I just learned the hard way- I have no natural dance ability. None.  Even if I don't learn anything over the next few weeks and if I continue to get pitiful looks from the other girls in class, I'll still be getting a killer butt workout! It turns out there is muscle under all that flab, because I sure was sore the next day!

My next venture is cake decorating class. Now this I can do! I have always had a major sweet tooth, so no surprise I have an interest in cakes and icing.  I'm also a little crafty and artsy and so I felt right at home in this class!  I LOVED IT! I was so inspired in fact, that I am starting to fantasize about having my own little cake business. I am definitely going to continue these classes and testing recipes, so those of you who live near-by... get ready to do some taste testing!

Here's the two layered pineapple up-side-down cake with pineapple buttercream icing I made for my brother's birthday. It turned out soooo gooood! I am sure I'll be making this again!

Of course, in the midst of all this hobbying, I've been hanging out with my sweet, sweet Carson. I. Love. Him.

Tonight Carson was so sweet and smiley I ended up keeping him awake much longer than I planned on.  He started giggling when I was playing fetch with Jet, so I hopped up and grabbed my camera and did a pretty terrible job catching his giggle-fit on video.  It's a good thing for Jet that Carson finds him so funny... it really encourages me to play with him more! Poor dog gets so neglected!

After posting this picture and video... and after my brother's friend didn't recognize me tonight... I think it may be time for me to start wearing real clothes and make up and stop wearing my hair up so much.  I'm such a slob!  Oh. My. Gosh.  Is this the beginning of "mom clothes?" Am I going to wake up someday and realize I have lost all sense of personal style and current trends and still look as terrible as I do in this video?!? I might need an intervention! Someone come and rescue me to the Galleria! YIKES!

My Growing Boy!

Carson is growing up so fast it amazes me!  Just in the past week he seems to have changed so much!
I've made a few short little videos of Carson for Sean,  I thought I'd post them for you too! Please, turn the volume down on your computer because my baby-talk voice is truly awful.







By the way- I weighed Carson at home a couple of days ago.  He's 19 pounds.  HUGE.