Six Weeks

The past six weeks have been such a learning experience... and I still feel clueless!  On the day we brought Carson home I remember telling Sean that "I've never been more in love with or more afraid of anything in my life."

The fear is starting to subside (slowly), but the love is growing everyday!

At six weeks, Carson is 10 lb. 8 oz.  I wish I could say he is sleeping longer at night, but he's still pretty much waking up every 3 hours to eat.  He's a good eater! Here's what I like to call "milk coma."

He is perfecting the art of the "blow out."  Poor Caitlin... Carson decided her shirt was as good as his to poop on!

Nasty.

Carson has also decided that after six weeks, bath time isn't so bad after all.  The first few baths were a little rough.

And, thanks to our wonderful babysitters, Grandma and Aunt Jenni, Sean and I have enjoyed another date night!  We had sushi and beer... it was awesome!  Two things I was craving from pregnancy, check!

One Long Weekend

I've had friends tell me that just when you think things are going really well with your baby, something happens and it all changes.  I think our weekend pretty much proves this to be true.

I made my last post Friday morning.  Carson was smiling and sweet and absolutely precious!  That very same night at about 8:00 pm, we were on our way to Texas Children's Hospital with a very sick baby.  He was running a fever, which for a 4 week old, was not good.  Our doctor told us to take him to the ER.  (I was surprised.  Did a fever of 101.3 really constitute a visit to the ER?  Apparently, it did.)  We did as we were told, I mean, we're first timers here and when your baby is sick, it's scary!!

At the ER, after 8 hours and after many, many questions about alternatives, the doctors pretty much insisted that we run several tests on my poor, sweet man.  He had blood, urine, and spinal fluid taken.  The cultures needed 48 hours to be complete, so we were admitted to NICU 2 for the next two days.

Carson then received some antibiotics via an IV to his head, and was hooked up to monitors which beeped incessantly.  Luckily, he made quick progress and his fever broke sometime on Saturday.  He was feeling much better by Monday morning, when the doctors said his cultures were negative and he was free to go home.  Apparently, when a very small baby runs a fever, it could be a simple cold (which is what Carson had) or it could be something very serious.  And since a four week old hasn't had any immunizations yet, and since they will take no chances with a precious new life, we spent the most gorgeous weather weekend we've had all year in an insolation room in the NICU. 

I don't know quite how I made it through the experience.  I definitely cried my eyes out all Friday night and all Saturday.  Sean was calmer and held it together for the both of us.  When our family was able to come visit, it made it much easier.  I think Carson had more visitors than any other baby in the NICU!  Our parents came to relieve us which allowed us to nap and to take showers.  Nursing him throughout the hospital stay was a little tricky, but it worked out OK.

Now, we're home and so thankful.  There were so many tiny babies in the hospital who were there for so long, and whose parents couldn't be there all the time.  Our son shared a nurse with several babies, and so sometimes those babies were left to cry all alone.  It absolutely broke my heart.  I am so thankful that Carson was born healthy, that I am able to stay home with him, and that he has a big, loving family that made sure he was never far away from a warm pair of arms during his stay at the NICU.  He is so loved.  I am so, so thankful for that.

I sure hope this was our only hospital stay with Carson... or at least that we don't make another ER trip for a long, long time!!  I'm sure there will be stiches, or broken bones at some point with my little boy, but I pray he gives us a little break!  My heart needs it!

Carson with his Mamo

Melting

Right now, my heart is a big puddle somewhere in my living room.

After feeding Carson this morning, I laid him across my lap while I got his burp cloth ready.  I looked down at him, and saw the most amazing smile spread across his little face.  I spent the next precious minutes playing with him and watching him smile up at me again and again.

Little smiles, big smiles, whole-faced dimpled smiles... I can't get enough.

After the first few (extremely difficult) weeks, I can't say how much I enjoyed this morning with my son.  I know more of these times are ahead, and I am so thankful.

What an amazing blessing.

First Date!

Carson had his very first date today... with the very cute Miss Eloise Betty!

What's cuter than two wiggly babies?

Carson Lane!  You should never hit a lady!  What is your father teaching you?

Tummy Trouble

My poor little baby has been having such tummy problems lately!  He gets really gassy and uncomfortable sometimes once, twice, or even more times a day.  He'll cry and cry and wiggle around, arching his little back.  And, of course, spitting up and burping a bunch!  This doesn't happen every day, nor does it happen after every feeding... so I don't think he's got reflux that needs medicating... or do I?  I don't know! When this happens, I'll get him all calmed down, and then I lay him in his crib- where he sleeps beautifully most of the time.  After 10 minues or less, he's crying again and the only way he'll fall asleep is if I'm holding him.  I'm wondering if I shouldn't just sleep him on his stomach- since that's how he's sleeping on my chest and seems to really like it.  Hmmmm....  Of course, sometimes he's fussy not from tummy bubbles, but because the little man hates pooping!  When he has to pass gas or poop, he can really have a screaming fit!

I wish I knew what to do!  I hate that he's uncomfortable and I really don't have an answer.  I keep thinking that maybe it's something I'm eating... but what?!?!?!  Poor Carson!

Busy Weekend Freak-Out

OK.

Deep breath.

This weekend is going to be so busy!  I've never had a busy weekend with a baby and I'm freaking out! 

I'm finding out SO much about myself now that I'm a mother.  For example, I'm a control freak.  Didn't know that before.  (How didn't I know, right?  Seems really obvious now.)  I'm so proud of this little pseudo-schedule I've got going with Carson and I'm afraid that it's all going to go to shit while we're visiting/entertaining/traveling/etc. 

Also, my house is dirty and people have flown here from out of state to see my baby and my house is DIRTY!!  I am blogging while my toilet is waiting to be scrubbed.  I am freaking a little about this, but I also see this as my only opportunity to have a dirty house and be completely excused from it.  So, obviously I've made my choice.  Toilet remains dirty.

Now, I need to go feed my sweet, precious, adorable baby.  But not before I post another stinking cute picture of him!

Two Weeks, Three Days

Here's what I've learned about motherhood so far:

1. Childbirth is freaking hard.  I kept hearing that "pushing isn't the hard part."  That's BS.  Pushing is absolutely the hard part.  It hurts like hell, and you have to keep doing it because there is no other way to get the baby out.  And, if you request a last minute c-section, the doctor will ignore you and the nurses will laugh at you and tell you that they had three kids without an epidural.

2.  Recovering from childbirth is freaking hard.  And gross.  Who knew?  Every mother out there.  But, do they tell you?  No.  But, I must say that it's pretty amazing how fast you start to forget that you had an episotomy and that you pushed a baby out.  And that you got stitched up without any numbing medication.  My belly looks pretty normal at this point too.  People wouldn't think I was pregnant anymore, but I'm still a good 15 pounds away from my starting weight.  I look pretty decent, I just feel mushy everywhere.  I'm not upset about it.  As a friend told me I would be, I'm too tired to care.

3.  Sleep deprivation is torture.  For any of you whose baby "slept through the night at two weeks old"... I curse you.  And I guess that includes me and my mother, because she keeps reminding me that she had me sleeping through the night at five days old.  Maybe I can blame Carson's waking habits on my husband.  I will.  Honestly- why do I have to wake him to eat during the day, but at night he can easily rouse himself after three hours?  Why??? 

4.  Breastfeeding is miraculous.  I know women struggle with this... the only thing I'm really struggling with is that I'm the only one who can do it.  Other than that, these tiny boobies are getting the job done.  Seriously!  My baby gained a whole 1/2 pound his first week!  He's already outgrowing some of his newborn clothes!  The only thing he's eating is breastmilk, and the little guy is actually thriving.  Remarkable.  I said that if my boobs could actually nourish my child, I would respect them a little more.  I guess I do.

5.  Hormones suck.  Or, the lack of pregnancy hormones sucks.  You build up this huge amount of hormones while you're pregnant and happy, and then the baby is out and all the hormones dissappear in a matter of hours and you're left feeling shittier than you've ever felt in your entire life.  Hot flashes.  Loss of appetite.  Total exhasution, yet sleeplessness.  Anxiety.  Or, let me rephrase that... ANXIETY.  Panic.  Hysterical crying fits. Irrational thoughts. And guilt.  Oh, guilt. 

For me, and I'm assuming I'm not alone, this has been the hardest part.  I'm a wreck.  I think I'm feeling better...?  Today has been pretty good. I've only cried once.  Sean took me to the doctor this morning because (I think) my daily meltdowns have left him feeling freaked out and helpless.  My doctor has given me a prescription for something that is supposed to be safe while breastfeeding, but to be totally honest, I'm not sure I want to take it.  I'm not a drug person.  I don't like taking medications (I was told by the nurses at the hospital that I was the only one who wasn't taking narcotics on the recovery floor.  I was taking motrin.).  I don't know what to do.  I hope I figure it out.  Or, start feeling better.  Both would be great.

6.  You will be peed/pooed/spit up on daily.  I expected this, however I didn't really get just how much bodily fluid a small infant can produce.  Sean shouts out "OH MY GOD!!!!"  every time Carson spits up.  I used to get up and run when I heard Sean shouting... not anymore.  Ever hear of the boy who cried wolf?  Yeah.

7.  Moms have bragging rights.  Yes. I'm a mom now, so I'm going to take a moment to show you how ADORABLE my son is! Ooooooohhh!!!! How can you not want to kiss that face? Sean and I had newborn photographs taken by Sara Griffin- she's fantastic! I highly recommend her! Check out her blog to see her portfolio, and some more cute pictures of Carson, of course.


Must go.  But first- I can't figure out how to spell check my blog posts anymore. Annoying.  Please know that any misspellings are not because I don't care or know any better, but because I'm a dummy who can't figure out how to use a computer.  This distinction is (oddly) important to me.